I really hate to break this to you ladies, but Iāve learned that men are the same everywhere. I thought maybe Iād find some tall, dark, and handsome Spanish man to sweep me off my feet (for the summer) but surpriseāassholes, creepers, and boring dudes are everywhere. Here are the differences and similarities that Iāve calculated and recorded. Itās all very official.
Men in Spain: Itās ok to wear a pink shirt with purple pants, half a bottle of hair gel, half a bottle of cologne, leather loafers, and Gucci sunglasses. We like to look pretty too.
Men in America: Iām with you on the hair gel. But throw on an Ed Hardy shirt and some ripped, faded jeans, bro.
Men in Spain: Letās go find an American who only knows how to say, āHola! Cerveza, por favor.ā
Men in America: Letās go find some foreign chick who only knows how to say, āHello! Beer, please.ā
Men in Spain: Maybe if we stare long enough without blinking, sheāll take her clothes off.
Men in America: Maybe if we stare long enough without blinking, sheāll take her clothes off.
Men in Spain: Itās ok to live with your parents until youāre 30 years old. Itās also normal to not own a car (possibly not a bike either).
Men in America: Definitely. Being poor is very ācoolā these days.
Men in Spain: Letās get wasted! I also have cocaine.
Men in America: Letās get wasted! I also have weed.
Men in Spain: I went to Miami last year. Is this a good enough connection to wherever it is you said you were from? Because thatās all I can think of that we have in common.
Men in America: Oh, Texas, cool. Yeah, Iāve never been. Yeah, Iāve heard that Austin is cool. Yeah, I have nothing else to say really. Oh, I thought of somethingādo you say yāall? That is hilarious.
Men in Spain: You sound like a Mexican.
Men in America: Youāre Mexican?! Never would have guessed.
Men in Spain: My girlfriend is very, very far away tonight.
Men in America: No, of course I donāt have a girlfriend!
Men in Spain: I would just like to have sex with you.
Men in America: Iām just not emotionally ready for a real relationship, I can barely take care of myself, and you deserve more than that. I still want to see you thoughā¦
Men in Spain: We donāt use AC or fans here even though itās unbearably hot, so Iām just going to take off my shirt. What I can offer you is a place to put your clothes, if you would also like to survive the heat.
Men in America: Do you want to get more comfortable? I can give you a thin, white shirt or something.
Men in Spain: Yeah, Iām going to University, but Iām just going to take over my dadās business. Why would I try to do anything else?
Men in America: Yeah, I majored in Business. A lot of other bros were picking it, so it just seemed like a good choice.
Men in Spain: Canāt hang out, soccer is on. SOCCER IS MY LIFE!!! Blah, blah, blah World Cup.
Men in America: Canāt hang out, football is on. FOOTBALL IS MY LIFE!!! Blah, blah, blah Super Bowl.
Men in Spain: SPAIN JUST WON, LETāS GET NAKED!
Men in America: Iām sure I can find some excuseā¦hold onā¦ITāS MY LANDLORDāS BIRTHDAY, LETāS GET NAKED!
Men in Spain: You can be my American girlfriend!
Men in America: Just so weāre clear, I donāt do long distance.
Men in Spain: I can get my grandma to whip us up some paella, croquettas, salmorejo, and pan real quick.
Men in America: Do you want to order a pizza or something?
Men in Spain: Iām going to just call you āguapa.ā Or Alicia, take your pick. Because I sure as hell canāt say or remember you actual name.
Men in America: Itās a lot easier for me to just call women baby. Or just never use names, that works too. Avoiding catastrophe.
Men in Spain: No, I don’t know how to do laundry or clean, or any of those other woman things.
Men in America: I agree completely with that guy.
Men in Spain: I am a very uninteresting person, so I’m just not going to talk to you.
Men in America: I am a very uninteresting person, so I’m going to ramble about a very uninteresting topic…
Men in Spain: Kissing on the cheek in greeting is normal. Iām hoping you wonāt know the difference if I kiss extremely close to your mouth instead.
Men in America: Iām going to put zero effort into this hug. Then, later, youāll be dying for more.
Men in Spain: Iām going to touch you inappropriately and blame it on the European culture and sense of love.
Men in America: Iām going to blame it on my penis.
Let it be known that Iām not giving up. Next stop: Iām thinking Canada. Somewhere that Iād never expect anything good to happen. Maybe thatās where all the hotties have been hiding.