If Only


Sitting here on this sad Sunday, slowly watching the clock tick closer to Monday morning AKA back to real life…I can’t help but daydream about what it’d be like if the days were entirely up to me…



Mondays would be made for mischief. We would do a lot of molding (mainly clay pots) and eat a magnificent amount of Mexican food (in Monaco?), complete with margaritas. Maybe, if we can then muster up the might, we’d do some mystery-solving or mountain climbing. Or keep it mellow and just meander around the Met.

Tuesdays would be for trying new things, like tutus or trysts or trapezes. We’d eat truffles and tangerines in Texas, say “ta-ta!” to all, and sing Tutti-Frutti around the clock (with accompanying tambourines). Also: television and tickling. Lots and lots of television and tickling.

Wednesdays are a little weird, but still just as wonderful. We’d go on a whale watch after whispering to the wind and whining to the windows or the willows, whichever will listen. We would drink so, so, so much wine and top it off with Whataburger or Wendy’s or waffles with watermelon. Then we’d probably whiten our teeth and wade into the water, wearing only whitie tighties.

Thursdays are thought-provoking. Food of choice is Thai and thighs (chicken). We’d travel to Tuscany and throw around a ball and befriend a cool tranny named Theodore, who would take us to the theatre. Tap dancing lessons would inevitably ensue, as would a trampoline jumping contest. We’d find out the truth, but not think too long about it, instead focusing on thoroughly burning all tests.

Fridays might be my favorite. We’d frighten the neighbors with our funfest frenzy of a fourteen-hour party, drinking only fizzy, fruit-filled trash can Fanta. Free French fries, French toast, fried mushrooms, and Frankfurts for all! You’d teach me how to play Frisbee and our friends and family would all fantasize about living in our fabulous five-star resort. Let’s not forget the best F…fishing. We’d do SO. Much. Fishing.

Saturdays are strictly for sinking toes into sand. Sunshine, strawberries, and smiling. Simplicity.

Sundays mean snuggling and smoothies and Scrabble. There’d be a surprise every second, from shoe shopping to sharing some sushi while sailing to Spain.

Notice: the words— work, teaching, studying, grad school, traffic, lesson planning, gym, students, hungover, laundry, cleaning, sleep-deprived, or small paycheck—do not exist in this world. Ahh, if only.

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